The Real Way to Avoid Conflict – Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with someone and wondered how in the world you ended up there? Do you engage in arguments with someone whose remarks ruin your entire day? I know I have. I end up completely drained from the experience.
Here’s the reality: there are people in this world who like to argue. They are really good at spewing negativity, souring your good mood, fostering chaos, and hyper focusing on the “rain” in the word “rainbow”. The conversations you try to have with them are frequently very one-sided, and your initial reaction is to either voice your annoyance and dissatisfaction with them, or to distance yourself from them.
Listen, I’m not going to solely point the finger at the other person because it takes two people to enter into an argument and stay in an argument. However, if you’re anything like me, I’m pretty sure you’d rather be doing anything else but wasting your time and energy fighting with someone. You’ve got way more important things to do!
As a happiness coach, and as someone who grew up in a household where I witnessed my parents fighting a lot, I want to share several highly effective techniques with you. Techniques that will allow you to create healthy boundaries with the other person while keeping your peace intact.
Tip #1: Know your audience.
Do not enter into a fight with someone who you know will not understand your point of view. There are people who see things very differently than you and who are not open to trying to understand your perspective. Ask yourself, “Is the other person open to hearing from me?” If the answer is no, thank them for their perspective and walk away. Otherwise you will end up in a one sided fight.
Tip #2: Practice 4-7-8. Before you react, breathe. Focus on calming your breath. It works wonders.
- Breathe in through your nose to the count of four.
- Hold the breath to the count of seven.
- Exhale through your mouth to the count of eight.
Tip #3: Think before you speak.
Even when you’re angry, come from a place of love. If you raise your voice, use cuss words, or belittle the person in order to get your point across, it will backfire on you, and the person will feel as though they are being criticized.
Tip #4: Stay away from people who like to fight.
As I said earlier, there are people who genuinely enjoy a good argument. They love the sound of their own voice and they have an innate need to be right. Your peace is more important than serving their ego. Keep your distance, if you can.
Tip #5: Disagreement vs argument.
There is a BIG difference between a disagreement and an argument. Disagreements are healthy. There is a respectful back and forth that exists. Arguments are usually one sided. They escalate quickly because both people are fighting for the stage in order to be heard. Voices get louder and words get dirtier. Try to keep the dialogue clean.
Tip #6: Focus on the resolution.
My husband and I have a rule. Not only do we disagree in front of our kids but we show them the resolution as well. I’m pretty sure that even when two people don’t see eye to eye, there is a common ground. The common ground may be buried underneath the rubble but it’s there. Ask the person what they need from you. Then discern if it’s a reasonable request and if it’s something you are willing to do to better the relationship. And, be clear in return on what you need from them. Remember, it’s okay to disagree and it’s even better to find a solution.
Tip #7: Manage your expectations.
Everyone processes things differently. Don’t expect someone to see things your way, apologize, or take accountability — you may be very disappointed. What you can do is remind the person that you love them, you don’t want to fight, and you are hopeful you can both find a solution. You won’t change the person by doing this but you will be able to manage your own expectations. When you speak from the heart, you can never go wrong.
Tip #8: When in doubt, visualize a stream of water.
When someone says something that triggers you, picture their words flowing down a stream of water. This mental image will provide a barrier between your heart space and their words so that you don’t absorb their noise. This technique will help you remain calm when you are in an uncomfortable situation and will allow you to have more clarity.
While you have no control over what happens around you, you do have control over what happens inside of you. Focus on this mantra: “my peace is my priority” and continue on your way.
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Big hugs, Dana-Maxx Pomerantz Happiness Coach and Founder of The Be Happy Project
Connect with Dana-Maxx: https://snipfeed.co/thebehappyproject
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