The Pitfalls of Dating as a Distraction – Ending a relationship can be the worst!
Being a mindset coach means helping people face whatever stops them, and a HUGE place many people feel stuck is in dating.
Entering the dating scene, especially after a difficult relationship, may seem like a good way to move on. You’ve most likely heard the saying: “There’s no better way to get OVER someone than to get UNDER someone else.”
Dating produces happy chemical feelings of excitement and interest. You can use those fun “love chemicals” to push away the pain from a challenging past relationship and just skip right on.
DON’T! Why? Dating before you’re ready can be an unhealthy coping mechanism. If it’s being used to distract you from what you need to do – it’s a pitfall. It’s a way of numbing yourself from what is going on and what you need to focus on: YOU! Your LIFE!
If you’re considering entering the dating scene after a difficult relationship, it’s important to take time to heal and process your emotions first.
This will help you make healthier choices and avoid unhealthy relationships.
Here are a few reasons why dating isn’t a great distraction:
It prevents you from truly processing your emotions. When you start a new relationship right away, you may be avoiding feelings that need more time to process and this can lead to unresolved feelings that can come back to haunt you later on.
Unresolved Issues:
Jumping into a new relationship without addressing the wounds from the difficult one means carrying emotional baggage. Unresolved issues can manifest in the new relationship, hindering its potential.
It can set you up for disappointment. If you’re not fully healed you may be more likely to get into a new relationship with someone who is not right for you. This can lead to disappointment and heartache. You can start to put too much attachment on this new person, and it’s not sustainable or healthy.
Lack of Authentic Connection:
Using dating as a distraction might prevent genuine emotional connection. The focus could be on escaping emotional pain rather than building a relationship based on mutual understanding and shared values.
It can damage your self-esteem. If you’re using dating as a way to avoid dealing with your emotions, you may start to feel like you’re not good enough unless you’re in a relationship or you’ll feel insecure in a new relationship. This can damage your self-esteem and make it difficult to form healthy relationships in the future.
It can attract the wrong people to you. Dating isn’t just about going out, it’s WHO you go out with. If we haven’t resolved our wounds from the past relationship we are 10x more likely to attract people based on our wounds; ones who aren’t healthy for us. Everyone thinks they’re fine until they realize they aren’t. “But I’m totally over it!”
Repeating Patterns:
Without introspection, there’s a risk of repeating patterns from the toxic relationship. Unconscious behaviors and choices may lead to similar dynamics, perpetuating the cycle of toxicity. This is especially true if you had patterned behavior in your last relationship you don’t like! Things like co-dependency, enabling, people-pleasing, fear of abandonment, etc.
It takes your focus away from what needs your attention. The idea that the past relationship was tough and you might just want to enjoy the fun chemicals of attraction, doesn’t help you deal with the issues or the chaos in your life. Think of the past relationship like scorched earth, and to be able to rebuild you must clear off the brush and ashes to start anew.
It’s a band-aid that might lead to burnout: Dating, especially if it’s being used as a distraction might provide temporary relief, but it can lead to emotional burnout. Unprocessed emotions from the toxic relationship may resurface, causing strain on the new connection.
Expectations you may not even realize you have might show up: upset at the little things, seeing flags or not seeing the red flags, and putting the other “new” person on a pedestal since they are “so much healthier than my last relationship!“
Healing Hacks to Turn Your Life Around:
1. Reflect and Recharge: Take a moment to reflect on past relationships, understand where things went wrong, and identify areas of personal growth.
2. Seek a Professional: A professional coach can help process the emotional aftermath of a difficult relationship. They can provide tools to cope with trauma, build resilience, and develop healthier relationship skills.
3. Boundaries are Key: Establish personal boundaries and communicate them with clarity. Knowing what you need in a relationship and enforcing those boundaries helps to avoid unhealthy patterns and cultivate healthier connections.
4. Build a Support System: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family who will be there for you through thick and thin.
5. Take a Break: Sometimes the best way to heal is to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. Use this time to reconnect with your values, understand what you want in a relationship, and cultivate a sense of independence.
6. Mindfulness Matters: Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine, such as meditation and mindfulness, which help in staying present, managing stress, and fostering emotional well-being. Move your body, nourish yourself with good food, and get plenty of de-stressing rest! And the final hack:
7. Be Realistic: When you do decide to date again, be realistic and patient. Healing is a process, and building a healthy relationship takes time. Set realistic expectations for yourself and your potential partner.
You’ve got this!
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