Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage: Understanding and Overcoming the Cycle – I remember pleading with the universe for answers, saying, “Why am I doing this to myself? Why can’t I stop!?” as I sat on my couch and ate an entire pack of chocolate chip cookies. With tears in my eyes, wanting nothing more than to set down the cookies and feel differently about myself, I felt completely out of control. Sadly, that wasn’t the only time self-sabotage reared its head.
The same thing would happen in relationships. I found myself dating the same type of person—different name, different body, yet the same characteristics that led to the same toxic cycles and, eventually, the same disappointing breakup. I finally reached my breaking point when I realized this was a pattern playing out within me.
This began my hunt for the real answer as to why we do things that aren’t good for us.
Understanding The Cycle
Believe it or not, getting stuck in a cycle of being unable to get out of your way commonly afflicts ambitious, hard-working, independent individuals. Recently, a client of mine, a prominent investment banker, said, “Every time I’m approaching a new threshold of success, I question whether I deserve it and watch myself sabotage it. I hate it and cannot stop it.” The answer to his question is simpler than it might seem.
The cycles we keep ourselves stuck in—even though we don’t like them—are predictable. While bad habits aren’t helpful, they provide stability to our minds and hearts necessary to manage the parts of life that require bravery, resilience, and strength.
Our subconscious mind creates stability through routine habits, beliefs, and mindsets, regardless of how productive they are to our well-being and growth.
Recognizing that self-sabotage is your subconscious trying to keep you safe can help you address it. With this understanding, you can create emotional safety in more productive and mature ways.
- Run from what’s comfortable.
- Forget safety.
- Live where you fear to live.
- Destroy your reputation.
- Be notorious.
- I have tried prudent planning long enough.
- From now on, I’ll be mad. -Rumi
Take Inventory of Your Behaviors
In which area of my life do I doubt myself and question my worth? How has that self-doubt led to self-sabotaging actions or mindsets? What is that costing me mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually?
Building Emotional Safety
One of the biggest lessons I learned while overcoming self-sabotage was that I struggled to trust myself deep down. This perpetuated my subconscious attacks on anything that could lead to success and growth. Although I was a confident, high-functioning person, I questioned myself often.
I belittled myself frequently, saying, “You’re such an idiot” or “What’s wrong with you?”.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the culprit of my self-sabotage and it would continue until I believed in my value and improved my self-esteem.
Questions To Get You Started
- Do I struggle to make time for myself? Why?
- What does it say about me if I put myself first?
- What am I afraid will happen to me if I express my emotional needs?
- What are the five most commonly repeated thoughts in my head about myself?
Exploring your self-worth can help uncover some of your inner wounds that lead to self-sabotage. Often, these wounds take shape during childhood and carry forward into adulthood.
For example, a woman said recently, “I constantly fear that I won’t be chosen. Even though it was a long time ago, I still remember being the last one chosen for the class kickball teams in 5th grade. It hurts when a relationship doesn’t work out, and I feel rejected.” This story highlights that fear—in this case, fear of rejection—creates a self-sabotaging cycle of avoidance.
When we avoid situations that might reignite past pain, we limit opportunities and experiences for growth. Subtle self-protection tactics like avoidance ultimately hinder happiness and success. However, it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can rebuild emotional safety within, and you can lessen self-sabotage.
The Path Forward
Self-sabotage in my life declined significantly when I addressed the pain of my past both mentally and somatically (through the body).
If past pains are only addressed mentally, you might find yourself saying, “I’m over it; that was a long time ago!” when, in truth, you still feel insecure about the situation or react when something similar plays out in the present day.
This is because your nervous system remembers what your mind forgets. Long after your mind has “moved on” from childhood events, your nervous system retains a carbon copy receipt of those situations and how they affected your self-worth, alerting you to potential threats in the future.
Healing through somatics addresses these deep-seated responses by working with the mind and body. One of the best things about somatic techniques is that you don’t need to rehash the situation to heal from it. Instead, you can gently and effectively release the stored trauma and tension from your body, creating a sense of calm and safety.
The journey to overcoming self-sabotage and finding emotional safety is possible. You can break free from old patterns and step into a more empowered and fulfilling life of long-lasting success and happiness. Embracing somatic practices and healing your inner child wounds can help you take the next step towards healing and wholeness and transform your relationship with yourself.
- Check out the Embrace Your Essence Podcast:
- Connect with Parinaz Shams to learn more.
- Read More from our Executive Contributor, Parinaz Shams.