Take Your Relationships from ‘Alright’ to ‘Dynamite’!

We are born into relationships. Everything we do is in relationship to at least one other person, often many at a time. We also usually want those relationships to go well, especially our closest, most meaningful relationships. When they don’t, we might blame ourselves, others, human nature, or some celestial event (Mercury’s retrograde, anyone?). But blame doesn’t help. Truthfully, it’s all mind games and strategies we learned growing up often from media or and well-meaning adults.

It was automatic, and it conditioned us to behave and believe in certain ways. So how can you get ahead of the mind games so your most important relationships can calm down and level up? It’s not easy, but it is simple.

1. Become responsible for your own feelings, and let other people be responsible for theirs. This isn’t to say we don’t apologize or try to fix it when we hurt someone. We still have a responsibility to be respectful and avoid causing harm as much as possible. But that does not mean we can “make” anyone else angry, hurt, or happy. Sure, we can influence those emotions, but ultimately every person is in charge of how they feel and gets to decide for themselves. That means you can also choose to stay calm, be curious, and act responsibly. Again, simple, but not easy!
2. Trust others to know what they need. Aside from language impairments, most people, especially adults, can express what they need, want, desire, and then work towards getting it. If your teen or sister doesn’t ask for your advice or help, ask permission before giving it. If permission is not given, let them take care of themselves. A no is not rejection, it is simply an option we all have a right to choose.
3. Trust others to know what they need. Aside from language impairments, most people, especially adults, can express what they need, want, desire, and then work towards getting it. If your teen or sister doesn’t ask for your advice or help, ask permission before giving it. If permission is not given, let them take care of themselves. A no is not rejection, it is simply an option we all have a right to choose.
4. Focus on what you do want. It is human nature to state what we don’t want. Okay, great. But have you ever heard the phrase, “What you focus on grows”? This is especially true in relationships. If you are totally convinced your loved one is rejecting you, no matter what they do, it is probable you will feel rejected. If what you want is healing and connection in the relationship, focus on that, and see the potential for understanding and compassion, both directions.
5. Get out of your amygdala! It’s the little part of your brain our ancestors needed to warn them of imminent saber tooth tiger attacks. It kept them alive. Nowadays, imminent threat and potential death are NOT around every corner, so our threat-detectors are bored. What does a bored, non-thinking brain do? I have 4 sons, and I’ll tell you! It causes trouble! Your amygdala is on the lookout for trouble all the time. Because we live in fairly safe environments and have time to actually THINK about our relationship quality, your amygdala thinks it found a new playground. Now, this tiny spot in the middle of your head sees mom, dad, offspring, and the local news reported as potential threats. But they aren’t!

It takes intentional work, but if you are up for it, is totally possible to re-wire those reactions and stay calm. Start by reminding yourself that a screaming 5 (or 15) year old is NOT actually a threat. Focus on what you want to create, and come up with ideas for getting there without yelling back, swearing, or otherwise fighting this person you love.

This means you’ll need to take a break, especially early on, and get support to calm down and come up with new ideas. As you focus on what you do want and let go of it having to be achieved in a certain way (like your autistic child apologizing…that’s probably not happening today), you can open up to new possibilities that can get the results you want.

Even Einstein and Edison had sounding boards and colleagues they brainstormed with. There’s no shame in admitting you could use a little back-up.

Don’t believe something just because you think it or feel it. Our minds play tricks on us, and so do our emotions. If something feels too good to be true, it probably is. The same is also true of humans and in reverse. If something feels off, unreal, or crazy, it probably is. That’s what communication skills, self-care, and forgiveness are for. Forgiveness does not mean we allow ourselves to be hurt again, it just means we stop holding ourselves hostage by our thoughts, or what we THINK someone else thought or did.

New skills are always just a Google search or email away. So yes, relationships are a lot of work. But as you and those around you learn new habits, things get easier and easier. It will take time, effort, and cooperation.

You just need to be patient with yourselves and each other!