Beware the Trap of People Pleasing – We all do it. We try to be friendly or manipulate people to like us, and we engage in behavior calculated to make people feel good. We often try to please people at a significant cost to ourselves, sometimes even changing thoughts, beliefs and behavior to please others. We compromise our principles, swallow our opinions, or behave in ways we later regret all to fit in and be liked. It is the worst form of co-dependency as we turn the focus of our life from us onto others.
The problem of people-pleasing arises because of the emotional toll it takes on our psyche. We sacrifice our wants and needs to fulfill the wants and needs of others. We neglect our needs because we can’t stand the disappointment of others when we say “no.” We are taken advantage of and used by others who don’t respect boundaries and expect us to keep them happy.
How can you tell if you are people-pleasing as opposed to being genuinely kind?
Here are some clues which will tell you if you are a people pleaser:
1. Inability to disagree: People pleasers will always agree with whatever a person is saying to them. Disagreement might upset that person and lose their relationship. Healthy people would know that if a person ends a relationship because of a disagreement, they weren’t a “friend.” Friends would find a compromise or simply agree to disagree. People pleasers won’t tell that “Friend” that they disagree because of the fear of losing their friendship. Ironically, if disagreeing costs the relationship, there was no friendship to lose. We all must learn how to say “no” if we are going to have healthy boundaries.
2. Chronic apologizing: People pleasers are constantly apologizing for things that weren’t their fault. This is co-dependence at its worst, taking responsibility for the emotional state of another person, something that only that person can control. The “sorry paradox” is that when we apologize for something we didn’t cause, we will get blamed for it. Apologizing for things we aren’t responsible for only makes things worse and allows the true culprit (the other person) to avoid responsibility for their actions. Stop it! Check it out!
3. Seeking approval: Many people seek approval from others because it validates their self-worth. The problem is that people who don’t develop an internal sense of self-worth and seek external validation is that they disempower themselves to the whims and opinions of others. When we seek external validation, we are at the mercy of whoever we are talking to, and their bad day may translate into our low self-esteem. Even worse, we may feel like our needs and wants don’t matter. The only approval we need is our own approval. We need to practice positive self-talk and self-validation.
4. Identity dysmorphia: People pleasers often not only sacrifice their time and energy to please others, but they can also alter their personality to conform to whatever the other person wants. As they can’t say “no” to risk offending others, they negate their needs and wants as well as overcommit their resources to attempt to keep others happy. They get stressed because of these tendencies, which leads to health problems and unhappiness. They allow others to abuse them and their natural tendencies to be kind and helpful. As a result, they lose their sense of self and engage in unhealthy behaviors.
There are multiple causes of people pleasing.
These include:
- Low self-esteem
- Anxiety
- Culture
- Sexism
- Conflict avoidance
- Trauma
- Dependent Personality Disorder.
To stop people pleasing, there are several steps you can take, including:
1. Establish boundaries: You have as much right to decide how you are going to live your life as anyone else. Your happiness is much more important than anyone else. You must decide the terms of your relationships and enforce them. If someone does not want to relate to you because you don’t sacrifice yourself for them, let them go. Your time is precious, and you must decide how to allocate it. I spent 30 years trying to please my parents by following a career I hated. Eventually, I had to ask, “Whose life is this, anyway?” I discovered that it was not my job to keep my parents happy, so I quit. It was the best decision I ever made.
2. Just say “no”: One of the best ways to empower yourself is learning to say “no” to unreasonable demands on your time and efforts. If you are getting stressed and frustrated trying to keep someone happy, you must stop. Your health and well-being is far too important to sacrifice it at the altar of false friends. When you set and enforce boundaries, you may lose these false friends and have time to make real friends.
3. Prioritize your needs: It may be a strange and new experience, but people must prioritize their time and needs to establish healthy behaviors. Nutrition, exercise, and self-care must take top priority in anyone’s life. When we sacrifice our well-being to please others, everyone suffers. If you don’t have time to satisfy unreasonable demands, say so.
4. Practice a positive mindset: Most people pleasers believe that they are undeserving of love or friendship unless they engage in manipulating people to like them. We are all incredibly powerful beings engaging in a human experience. Everyone deserves love and support, but they must believe that they deserve it. Practicing affirmations, getting in nature, listening to music, engaging in fulfilling hobbies and activities, and watching positive movies all help us to gain a positive mindset.
In conclusion, it is healthy to want to be helpful and supportive. We are all hard-wired to connect with others. It is unhealthy to sacrifice our wants and needs to try to make people happy. Recognizing this behavior is important to well-being, and being mindful of your motivation will help transform people pleasing behavior to simply being a friend.
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