How Unmet Childhood Needs Shape the Dynamics of Love.

Is Your Inner Child Seeking a Parent in Your Relationship?

The Need for Dependence in Early Childhood

Imagine a six-month-old baby—helpless, unable even to roll over in its crib. It depends entirely on caregivers for warmth, food, and safety. A young child’s survival depends on adult care and support. Without it, the child would literally die. This dependence creates a strong attachment to caregivers because biology “knows” what is needed for the species to survive.

Physical Separation and the Formation of an Emotional Bond

After birth, a child separates physically from their mother, beginning a life of bodily independence symbolized by cutting the umbilical cord. Yet full independence is far off, as the child still requires a connection to a “life source” to live and develop. When the physical cord is no longer present, an emotional cord begins to form. Unlike the physical cord, which is biologically automatic, the emotional cord is invisible, variable, and complex—often leading to much of human suffering when neglected or misinterpreted.

Early Communication Through Emotional Channels

In a child’s early life, this emotional channel is their primary way of communication with caregivers, allowing them to receive signals and interpret their environment. This communication system is simple and binary, where the world is perceived as black-and-white, either safe or unsafe. Pleasant, warm experiences feel safe and can be embraced, while discomfort signals danger and must be met with fear and rejection.

Setting Boundaries Without Threatening Safety

How do we set healthy boundaries for a child—something they may find uncomfortable or threatening—without making them feel unsafe? The key is to set these limits with firmness, calmness, and full acceptance. A child will instinctively respond with anger or fear, truly feeling they are being wronged. Still, the emotional channel is the only path through which they can process challenging information. The child’s anger or fear may temporarily “clog” this channel, but by allowing the child to express these feelings while reassuring them of their worth, we help them feel safe. Only then can they begin to process difficult information, gradually learning that challenges are manageable and safe to face.

The Harm of Punishing a Child’s Instinctive Reactions

When a child resists something uncomfortable, they shouldn’t be punished emotionally through rejection, ridicule, threats of abandonment, mockery, ignoring, or by being told they are bad. These responses impair the child’s inner development and sense of Self, sometimes stunting growth, as can be seen in cases of narcissism.

The Child’s Core Needs for Acceptance and Understanding

A child’s deepest, unspoken desires call out to their caregivers:

• See me and myself.
• Accept me and my uniqueness.
• Understand me and my differences.
• Acknowledge me as I am.
• Notice my needs, as I cannot fulfill them myself.
• Always be there for me because I cannot manage without you.
• Do what matters to me, as it makes me feel significant.

When a child receives this, the emotional channel between them and their caregiver remains open, allowing them to develop independence, confidence, and a healthy sense of Self. Over time, as the child becomes more self-sufficient, the emotional umbilical cord connecting them to their caregivers gradually falls away. This describes the ideal condition, though it’s unfortunately rare.

Unmet Needs and Their Impact on Adult Relationships

So what happens if a child does not receive this support? Emotional development stalls, waiting for fulfillment. The system doesn’t mature, and the emotional umbilical cord remains intact. We may leave our family homes as adults, yet we still carry these emotional cords, seeking connection. Often, we attach ourselves to objects or goals, but the deepest attachments tend to form in romantic relationships. Have you ever felt this way in a relationship?

• See me and myself.
• Accept me and my uniqueness.
• Understand me and my differences.
• Acknowledge me as I am.
• Notice my needs.
• Always be there for me.
• Do what matters to me.

If a lack of these things has ever left you feeling despair, anger, or rejection, it suggests a part of you is still “stuck” in childhood, seeking a parent-like role from your partner.

Recognizing Adult Relationships Aren’t Meant to Fulfill Childhood Needs

There’s nothing inherently wrong with this mechanism; it’s natural. Problems arise when we mistake these unmet needs as the goal of adult relationships. They are not the purpose of such relationships but rather an unconscious attempt to meet unresolved childhood needs. Another challenge is that while these needs drive growth in a child, they become unresolved compulsions in an adult’s already-formed brain.

AS CHILDREN, WE NEED AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH A PARENT TO FEEL OUR SENSE OF SELF. AS ADULTS, WE SHOULD HAVE A DEVELOPED CONNECTION WITH OURSELVES TO KNOW WHO WE ARE. THEN, OUR RELATIONSHIPS CAN SHIFT FROM EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY TO FREEDOM AND JOY WITH OTHERS.

The Path to Self-Exploration

The journey to this inner independence lies in deep self-exploration. For now, here is an exercise that can help shift from a child’s emotional dependency to an adult’s self-connection.

An Exercise for Shifting Focus Inward

Focus on each sentence in each pair below, feeling its impact. Notice how the first sentence seeks outward affirmation while the second is inward and grounded.

• See me and my Self. → I see my own Self.
• Accept me and my uniqueness.→ I accept myself and my uniqueness.
• Understand me and my differences.→ I understand myself and my differences.
• Acknowledge me as I am.→ I acknowledge myself as I am.
• Notice my needs.→ I notice my own needs.
• Always be there for me. → I am always there for myself.
• Do what matters to me.→ I do what matters to me.

Invitation to Inner Growth

In the book You Are the Dream of the Universe, I invite you on a journey to your inner home.

YOU ARE PERFECT. YOU DON’T NEED TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF. JUST CHANGE THE IMPRINTS YOUR INNER PARENT HOLDS ABOUT THE INNER CHILD.

If you are interested in deepening your understanding of your Inner Parent and its relationship with your Inner Child, I invite you to read my book, “You Are the Dream of the Universe.” In it, you will uncover a whole new understanding of who your true self is.

I invite you to learn more about the relationship with your Inner Parent in my book You Are the Dream of the Universe.

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• Contact Katarzyna “Kasia” Dodd.
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