Is Your Mindset Messing With You? – The Pitfalls of “I’ll Be Happy When …” Thinking
Oh boy, was this me!!!
Most of my life I thought I’d feel better, be happier and life would be a grand old time if I could only … what? For me, it’s often about accomplishments. What I get done or what I achieve.
- If only I could get my black belt. Check. Then, my 4th and 5th degree black belts. Check, check.
- If only I could hit the financial goals for my martial arts and fitness studio. Check.
- If only I got married. Check. If only we got divorced. Check.
- If only I hit my goal weight. Check. Gained weight, then hit the goal again. Check. (And more checks because that happened over and over).
The real irony is none of those things ever made my life grand(er). Sure the accomplishment was cool and I’d feel good for a bit, but overall I wasn’t necessarily happier. Not like I expected.
What about you?
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I’ll be happy when I …” Or “things will be easier when …”
- I get that promotion/make that money.
- I lose those extra pounds.
- When I find my soulmate.
- When the kids are older.
- My boss leaves/retires.
The Problem:
What if this is the basis of most of our goal-setting? Why? Because we want what we don’t have.
Basing our ideas of happiness/success/fulfillment on the belief of WHEN we get the thing, we’ll feel better. I’m here to tell you it’s a HUGE trap.
Yet it’s such a common mindset that we don’t see its pitfalls.
How?
You think, “I’ll be happy, my life will be complete, and the stars will align” when you get what you want. Then, you set a goal to achieve those things: the promotion/success, the perfect weight, or that ever-elusive soulmate. In my 2013 book, InPower©, I call this the “IF/THEN or X then Y Cycle,” and it’s a setup for a huge disappointment. We base our ENTIRE goal-getting cycle on the idea NOW isn’t good enough, but by accomplishing the goal or having what we dream, then we’ll FINALLY be happy.
You make a plan, you take action steps, you get accountable, and you do what it takes and find a way to get your “happily after” thing.
What happens after we get the goal?
Our happiness doesn’t match what we THOUGHT it was supposed to feel like.
(We’ve all heard of lottery winners who are back where they started within a few years of winning millions of dollars. Maybe the money didn’t bring them what they were expecting either).
The Issues:
1. Happiness Becomes Conditional: Tying happiness to future events, you overlook the good available in the present. It means your mindset right now is that what you have is not good enough and everything will be better when you get your Y (whatever Y is for you). Life is always happening right now, in this moment, and waiting for a specific milestone to be happy, WHEN means missing out on the small, everyday moments that can bring joy.
2. The Goalposts Keep Moving: Making happiness a moving target means getting one goal often leads to setting another, and another to get fixed. You may find yourself constantly chasing the next “when” without ever feeling truly satisfied. The “fix” of NEXT!
3. Pressure and Stress: Placing happiness on future outcomes or achievements can create unnecessary stress and pressure. This mindset stems from the belief that you need to achieve certain milestones or goals to be happy or fulfilled. While having goals and aspirations is important, relying solely on future achievements for your happiness can have several detrimental effects on your well-being.
4. Overlooking the Journey: The journey towards your goals can be just as fulfilling as the destination. By focusing solely on the end result, you miss out on the growth, learning, and experiences along the way. We become more of who we are meant to be every time we grow, and each of our paths are full of opportunities/experiences to learn.
What Can You Do Instead?
H – Halt! Stop the spiral the second you notice you’re putting your happiness OUT THERE due to some external circumstance.
A – Allow! Notice the feeling and allow it to inform you.
P- Presence! Get present, breathe, and release into this moment.
P- Peace! Ask yourself, “What am I grateful for right now?” Find whatever peace you can in this moment, even for a little bit.
Y- Yes! Say yes to the journey toward the goals, knowing that who you are will change and that you can find happiness along the way. Not just later.
What else?
Create goals that inspire and excite you. Celebrate the wins, appreciate the lessons, and remember happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Our brains are like target-seeking missiles. Anytime we set out on the path of a goal, we will naturally shift and change.
Challenges will arise, and recognizing WHO you are in the face of them is growth. Think about who you want to be along the way NOT just at the end of the accomplishment.
If I can support you in finding a way around the IF/THEN cycle, reach out! You’ve got this!
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