Redefining Narcissistic: The Power in Healthy Self-Centered Living – Exploring the misconception that healthy self-centeredness is synonymous with narcissism.
For anyone who identifies as a giver, helper, or pleaser even the mere suggestion of being seen as slightly self-absorbed is one of the worst things in the world, which can lead to a myriad of issues that a little self-centric thinking might help.
Priding themselves on what I call a ‘noble selflessness’ givers are incredibly focused on meeting the needs of others, and will often neglect their own needs. And if they aren’t putting themselves last, they may feel guilty or ashamed for taking time for themselves, and might even be afraid to ask for help. They may also be afraid to say “no” to others, even if it means taking on too much for themselves.
Many helpers, pleasers, and givers have run across a narcissist (or several) in their lives and the LAST thing they’d want is to take on any of those traits. However, not everyone with narcissistic tendencies develops Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a more severe and diagnosable mental health condition.
There are times when a bit of “healthy narcissism” might just come in handy. I don’t mean the typical media-laden version of the over-the-top sociopathic narcissist we all see: I’m talking about learning how to take a sliver of self-centered focus. Something like asking yourself, “What do I WANT in this situation?” Before trying to figure out what everyone else wants FIRST. Keep in mind people with narcissistic leanings tend toward an overwhelming amount of self-absorption, not just a sliver.
It’s all about INTENTION!
Narcissists, by nature, appear as if they are entirely self-facing (me, me, me) but many of us miss the fact they are keenly focused on what they can get from OTHERS – a sense of acceptance, admiration, importance, time, energy, money, and other pieces called “narcissistic supply”. Most of them find givers, helpers, and pleasers who have a great deal of empathy to help them meet those needs. Their intention is not to be kind.
This is why most kind-hearted people would never allow themselves to become self-centered, to their own detriment!
- The cost of putting everyone else first?
- This inherent and automatic level of self-sacrifice can be harmful to the giver in the long run.
- They may start to feel resentful and exhausted, and their relationships can suffer.
- They may also develop physical or mental health problems.
- Exhaustion, feeling drained, a lack of vitality and positive energy.
- Not feeling like whatever they want matters, or they can even move toward their goals.
To be able to do an exercise in changing perspective to see if there’s something useful here – let’s start by attempting to redefine narcissistic traits through a different lens. By asking the questions, it might open up an awareness that can create a much-needed shift.
1. Narcissism is characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy.
New Lens Questions:
- Are there times when you could benefit from taking care of your needs first and view what you need and want as highly important?
- Are there times when having so much empathy has become too much, and you wish you didn’t care what others think of you?
- Have you found yourself exhausted by being around others going through challenges and difficulties? Would you benefit from having stronger boundaries, and not worrying so much about what others think or feel?
2. Narcissistic individuals often have an exaggerated sense of their abilities and accomplishments, and they may feel a constant need to be recognized and admired by others.
New Lens Questions:
- How would it feel to know you are capable, good at what you’re good at, confident, and proud of your abilities?
- What if instead of a need to be recognized, you recognized yourself and enjoyed acknowledgment from others without pandering or trying?
- Would you enjoy being acknowledged and admired?
- What if you felt good when getting compliments and took them in gratefully?
3. Narcissists not only feel special, but they are determined that everyone around them recognizes them for their high level and amazing abilities.
New Lens Questions:
- What if you believed in your uniqueness and knew you were special without having to do anything or prove it to others?
- What if your value wasn’t based on who you helped and all you did?
- What if you enjoyed your skills and knew they were special?
Hopefully asking yourself several of these questions can open something up for you, a perception or a realization that focusing on yourself, and your needs, is self-preservation not selfish. Learning to take care of ourselves is not selfish and it is essential for maintaining a healthy balance in life. And these are aspects someone with more of a Self-Centric (not completely Other-Centric) temperament can incorporate.
Why is it important to learn to be more Self-Centeric?
When givers learn to take care of themselves, they are better able to care for others. They are also more likely to have happy and fulfilling relationships. Learning to set boundaries helps givers take care of themselves. Learning how to say no to others, givers can start making time for themselves. Being aware of their own needs, helpers can become more assertive in asking for help or support when they need it.
Let me know how it goes!
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