Understanding How Shifting Attention to the Inner Child Brings Real Freedom from Hurt
Why Does Traditional Forgiveness Fail to Bring Peace?
TRUE FORGIVENESS: LIBERATING YOURSELF, NOT THE PERPETRATOR
Forgiveness is often seen as a moral obligation in both cultural and spiritual contexts. Traditional approaches to this process focus on the perpetrator and the necessity of “letting go” of their wrongdoing to achieve inner peace. But does such forgiveness truly heal? In light of the profound inner processes that occur during trauma, traditional forgiveness often reinforces the victim’s pain and helplessness. To understand why this happens, let us examine the mechanism of trauma and the roles played by the inner parts of our psyche: the Inner Child and the Inner Parent.
TRAUMA AS THE COLLAPSE OF THE INNER SYSTEM
When harm occurs, trauma operates on multiple levels. In the context of forgiveness, the most significant aspect is the profound desperation of the Inner Child—this sensitive, emotional part of us that experiences the world with vulnerability and sincerity. Under ideal conditions, the Inner Parent serves as a caretaker and protector. It provides a sense of safety, offers support to the Inner Child, and helps process difficult emotions. The Inner Parent’s most crucial role is to pay attention to the Inner Child, recognizing and addressing all its needs. However, in the face of extreme stress or harm, this system often breaks down. The Inner Parent may prove too immature, absent, or weak to meet the emotional challenge. As a result, the Inner Child is left alone—emotionally frozen in its helplessness and profoundly distressed by the injustice, as the Child inherently expects that all will be well.
THE ILLUSION OF TRADITIONAL FORGIVENESS
Traditional forgiveness focuses on the perpetrator, reinforcing the victim’s role. As a result, the Inner Parent’s attention, instead of addressing the Inner Child’s needs, is fixated outward—dwelling on the perpetrator, their actions, and how to forgive them. Meanwhile, the Inner Child remains lost, distressed, helpless, and feeling abandoned by its Parent. Longing for comfort and recognition, the Inner Child seeks validation from the perpetrator instead, often manifesting as a desire for revenge.
This desire is not about settling scores but reflects the Inner Child’s desperate attempt to have its pain acknowledged. The worst outcome for a hurt individual is for their suffering to go unrecognized. This creates a primitive notion that if the perpetrator suffers similarly, they will understand the pain. Yet, as many discover, this fantasy fails to bring healing, leaving the deep sense of injustice unresolved.
This is why traditional forgiveness, centered on the perpetrator, is so difficult. When the Inner Parent neglects the Child to focus on the wrongdoer, the Child’s only hope for
acknowledgment lies in the perpetrator’s validation. Suggesting forgiveness in this situation becomes a secondary trauma for the Child, robbing it of its last hope for recognition and leaving it alone in its pain.
Resistance to letting go and the inclination to remain in the victim role are very strong and stem from the Inner Parent’s failure to provide care and acknowledgment to the Inner Child.
THE ROLE OF THE INNER PARENT IN HEALING TRAUMA
To break this cycle, a shift in perspective is necessary. True forgiveness has nothing to do with the perpetrator. It is an act directed inward, where the Inner Parent turns their full attention to the Inner Child. The Parent’s role is to acknowledge the Child’s pain, validate its suffering, and create a space to process difficult emotions. The Child needs reassurance that it is safe, loved, and important. The perpetrator—along with whether they feel pain or understand the harm they caused—cannot provide this.
When the Inner Parent focuses on the Child, the actions or words of the perpetrator cease to matter. They have already done enough and deserve no further attention. What truly matters in the forgiveness process is rebuilding inner integrity, which is entirely independent of the perpetrator. The Inner Child wants to be heard by the Inner Parent, as only in the Parent’s embrace can it find a sense of safety.
FORGIVENESS AS AN ACT OF SELF-CARE AND IGNORING THE PERPETRATOR
Paradoxically, when the Inner Parent shifts attention away from the perpetrator and focuses inward, true and profound healing begins. As the Inner Child regains its strength, the perpetrator becomes irrelevant. Letting go of resentment happens naturally as a byproduct of internal reconnection. Forgiveness is not an act of grace toward the perpetrator but an act of love toward oneself. Only in this way can we truly free ourselves from pain and begin to live anew.
HOW TO DO IT
If there is someone you find difficult to forgive, try this exercise. You will feel its effects only if you actively do it—simply reading about it won’t bring results. Take your time with each step.
- Close your eyes and imagine this person standing a short distance in front of you.
- Now turn your back to them—literally stand up and rotate your body 180 degrees.
- Feel that this person is floating far away behind you, completely unable to reach you. Ignore them entirely.
- Visualize your Inner Child in front of you, sitting alone, cut off, and desperate for recognition.
- Embrace your Inner Child and say: I am here.
If these reflections resonate with you and you wish to explore inner wholeness as a path to liberation, consider reading You Are the Dream of the Universe. This unique guide delves deeply into our inner psyche and offers practical tools for true transformation.
I invite you to explore these ideas further in my book, You Are the Dream of the Universe. Dive deeper into these concepts and gain a new understanding of who your true self is.
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